Advice for Others

It's such an honor when a friend or acquaintance (or friend's acquaintance!) confides in me about her health and asks me to describe the early steps of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. On one hand, it's disturbing how many people are diagnosed or have "a scare". On the other hand, I love being of use to others, to share what I've learned, to be that voice of experience I needed in my own frantic early moments.

I haven't forgotten the fear or confusion:

• I remember obsessing about risk factors and toxins in my environment and HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME????
• I remember the worst-case-scenario thinking when my lump was first found: imagining my children as motherless before their eighth grade graduations; crying at the thought of missing Sally's wedding or never meeting Huckle's firstborn child. Picturing all those Kodak Moments without me...
• I remember the frustration of health insurance -- the difficulty finding providers nearby; being told by my ob/gyn that I needed to find a breast surgeon to get a diagnosis and then being told by surgeons' receptionists that they had no appointments available for at least 1 month unless I already had a diagnosis.
• I remember being unable to read about cancer, being frozen with terror. As a researcher with sufficient background to understand medical jargon and sufficient interest to typically love reading up on medical conditions, I was very surprised at my inability to read about my own condition.

When women confide in me, they are often apologetic. "I didn't want to burden anyone with this," they say when they find a lump or are scheduled for a biopsy. "I'm sorry to ask you this."

My dear friend, please let me share this burden with you. It's a privilege for me to be your confidante and friend and prayer partner. You should not face this alone. Sometimes I felt so scared that I could not think or pray or do anything; I was frozen in my fears, unable to make decisions, or separate what "is" from what "might be".

"It's probably nothing," you say. My dear friend, I hope it is nothing. But please don't feel you need to minimize this valid concern. The lump might be nothing, but the fears are not nothing -- they are genuine. How do you cope with fear?

For many women, it helps to tell someone, whether a spouse or a parent or a complete stranger. Talking about our problems aloud -- voicing our fears -- is the first step in moving forward. Also, before you "protect" your family by not sharing your fears, think about how you would feel if they didn't share their valid fears with you. Do you really feel burdened when someone close to you confides in you, or do you feel privileged to journey beside them or closer to them because they trust you? You might be surprised by who rallies to your side when things get tough.

But I have another, much more important way I cope with fear: I cope through prayer. I am a Christian, a follower of Christ. I believe, as taught in the Bible, God is both all-powerful and all-loving. His ultimate goal for you is to have you by his side in heaven for eternity -- the perfect friendship with the perfect Friend who never lets you down. Yes, life here on earth will be tough. It just is. That's not a sign that God doesn't love you or isn't powerful enough to makes things go smoothly for you. Rather, God uses this sometimes rotten world to draw us closer to him -- to prove his allegiance to us and let us grow our allegiance to him. Prayer is calling out to God in our fear or frustration or joy or sadness. It's like telling a trusted friend all your hopes and fears. The difference is that this Friend listens perfectly, cares perfectly, meets our needs perfectly -- his plan for you cannot be frustrated or fail, no matter what happens on this earth.

 Resting in the God who loves you can take you much farther -- to much better places -- than good health or good friends or any other earthly "good". Just something to think about. You are welcome to email me if you have any questions or want to talk.

Romans 15:13, May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.