Last Wednesday, something I’ve been dreading finally happened: my tamoxifen prescription arrived in the mail. Here’s the play-by-play:
1:00pm, my son brings in the mail and tells me there’s a package with my name on it.
1:03, I pick up the package, realize what it was (that suspicious pill noise), and nearly drop it. My heart drops, too, about an inch in my chest. I’ve been dreading the arrival of my menopause-in-a-bottle for months.
1:04-3:04, I leave the unopened package on the countertop. Over the next two hours, I glance at it suspiciously every time I pass it.
3:04, I realize I need to get a grip and stop obsessing about the package. I tear it open to break its hold on me.
3:05, I decide I don’t need to start taking the pills today just because they happened to arrive today. After all, my oncologist didn’t make it sound like a hurry (though he didn’t approve of my idea about waiting until September). I decide that reading the paperwork qualifies as progress toward taking the pills.
3:08, I realize that reading the paperwork was a mistake. “Hair loss” is listed as a common side effect of tamoxifen. Oh no! My heart drops into my stomach. I’ve been doing well at not obsessing about hair regrowth (despite two months and still nothing but glaring baldness). But now I wonder: will tamoxifen compromise my already questionable hair-growing ability? I wish I didn't care about this so much. It's downright embarrassing to start obsessing about hair again (and this long after my junior high years!).
3:09-3:35, Even bigger mistake: I do an internet search to determine just how common this common side effect is. Or whether it's beneficial to wait for hair growth before starting tamoxifen. These sounded like reasonable, perhaps even scientific, queries at the time. Search yields no answers, just chat groups in which people wonder if their hair loss is related to tamoxifen use. I feel worse instead of better.
3:36, Fervent prayer. I need hope! I need answers! I need hair!!! (Okay, want hair)
3:45, Calmer now. Once again, I have to accept that this is beyond my control. It’s in God’s hands, and I trust Him to help me cope with whatever my future holds.
7:30pm, Support group with the local YWCA and
Young Survivors Coalition. Other women my age who have been taking tamoxifen for months or years put my fears to rest. They have beautiful heads of hair and beautiful words of hope.
Hooray! Thank you, Lord!!
Apparently, I'm a slow learner. I can see that my Tamoxifen/Hair Loss Freak-Out serves as a test or progress report, reminding to me that I still have a long way to go toward trusting God with control over my whole life (ie, there's still lots to burnish on this Starry Sheen.) I'm grateful that, although I didn't pass the test with flying colors, comfort mercifully arrived the same day as the pills. God's timing is always great timing.
