Reconstruction and Tamoxifen-Induced Super Powers

Over the next few days as I recover from the reconstructive surgery, I won't be able to drive or lift more than 5 lbs. I also can't raise my arms over my head, which has caused a few funny situations. Case in point: I was literally trapped in a sports bra this morning after my walk. A sports bra, of all things! It may as well have been a straightjacket for all my helpless struggling. Can you imagine the phone conversation if I had needed to call 911?

Despite some pain and inconvenience, it's a relief to have another big step behind me. Next week begins yet another big step: a 5-year stint of tamoxifen. The good news is that tamoxifen is formulated as a pill to be taken daily. Hooray for no more needles! More good news is that tamoxifen has been prescribed for decades, so its benefits and side effects are well-known. The benefits far outweigh the side effects in most patients. The not-so-good news is that this anti-estrogen drug is associated with several rare but potentially serious side effects (higher risk of uterine cancer, blood clots, and cataracts) and -- sigh -- causes menopause-like symptoms in most women.

Yes, menopause. So I'm going to be ushered a decade early into the womanly joys of hot flashes, among other physiological phenomena associated with estrogen loss.

Hot flashes. Let's think about this. The name sounds exciting. Hot flashes! Doesn't it sound like a powerful natural phenomenon, like dry lightning? Or a razzle-dazzle chemical reaction, like the explosive flash bulbs used in the 1930s by newspapermen photographing fabulous movie stars on the red carpet?


Actually, "hot flash" sounds to me like a nifty super power for middle-aged Wonder Woman. It would make a great addition to her line-up of superhuman abilities and amazing tools, like tremendous strength, ability to communicate with animals, invisible jet, Projectile Bracelets, and the Lasso of Truth. These are no match for ice-wielding super-villains like Mr. Freeze (pictured below).
But one hot flash (ZAP!), and he's thawed for good.


[Here's an illustration of Wonder Woman. Perhaps the sparkles represent a hot flash she is mustering to thaw the dastardly deeds of some arch-enemy? 
Hmm, Wonder Woman also appears to have undergone some reconstruction of her own, though her plastic surgeon had more, um, grandiose aspirations than mine. Or does the gold lamé bustiere have some superpowers of its own?] 

Meanwhile, back to our story...

 Mr. Freeze: Your powers are no match for me, Wonder Woman! My cold gun will freeze the entire city once and for all. Bwa-ha-ha!

Wonder Woman: [coolly] You underestimate me, Mr. Freeze. You haven't yet witnessed the power of my... Hot Flash!

[ZAP!]

Mr. Freeze: I'm melting! NOOooooo.... [voice fades away as he evaporates into a fine mist]

Wonder Woman: [muttering to herself as she wipes her forehead on a Projectile Bracelet] Man, it's hot in here. If only I were wearing more clothing. Then I'd have something to take off until this hot flash passes. 

See what I mean? Now that's the kind of hero a girl needs when she's stuck in a sports bra.
Hey, maybe middle-aged Wonder Woman could also fight evil with some other "tools" in her menopausal arsenal, like mood swings and irritability:

Mr. Freeze: Your powers are no match for me, Wonder Woman! My cold gun will freeze the entire city once and for all. Bwa-ha-ha!

Wonder Woman: [pulling off her Projectile Bracelets and throwing them down in irritation] That does it. I can't stand this any longer. I'm retiring my Bracelets and getting on with my life. [sobbing] Why do I put up with you bozos? You've totally ruined my life. All I ever wanted was to lead a marching band in my smart little sparkly leotard and boots, and now I'm too old to be picked as a drum majorette. It's so unfair! [pauses, then laughs] Actually, Mr. Freeze, would you mind freezing the city, just a teeny bit? This little number would make a great figure-skating costume!

Mr. Freeze: [confusedly scratching the helmet of his cryogenic suit with his cryogenic glove] I don't know what you are up to, Wonder Woman, but I'm not falling for it. I'm getting out of here before I fall into whatever emotional trap you appear to be laying for me.

And there you have it: hot flashes as a secret super power. Now I can hardly wait!