Done! (Done?)

I've had my last chemotherapy treatment. I've re-gained my energy and gotten past the worst of the side effects (still have low immunity, a sore mouth, and a racing heartbeat that keeps me awake -- a galloping 90 beats per minute compared to my usual 70).

My question is: when do I celebrate?

• The day of my last chemo? (oops, missed it; wasn't feeling well)
• Today, when I'm finally starting to feel better after my last round?
• In two weeks when I would be due for another round, if I weren't finished? 
• After my final surgery? 
• When I get my hair back? 
• When I'm finished with the 5 years of tamoxifen treatment that still lie ahead? 
• When I'm ten years cancer-free? (God willing!)

In my last post, I joked about having a Final Exam week. In truth, that's a bad analogy. After a final exam, you are done. You get your grade and move on to something new. But, with cancer, there's no graduation ceremony or cap to throw in the air (though it might be fun to throw a big handful of colorful scarves and a really nice wig in the air...). Ironically, I am scheduled for a mammogram tomorrow -- the first in perhaps a lifetime of 6-month check-ups. It's a reminder that I'll never really be done and that cancer recurrence is a possibility I'll face for the rest of my life.

At first thought, it's enough to damper any celebration.

But, on second thought, there's plenty to celebrate. One of my key lessons through all this has been the beauty of "normal". Now I celebrate the normal day: a day when I have the energy and health to go about a daily routine. I can accomplish my work and enjoy my children and husband. I am content. This may sound dull and unambitious (What?! Am I not, after all, going to cure cancer and write the Great American novel? Shocking change of plans). Nevertheless, this attitude concurs with the wisdom of Ecclesiastes. The author, an old man (possibly King Solomon), takes stock of his varied life experiences -- pursuing wisdom and pleasure and riches and advancement -- and realizes that "...there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil -- this is the gift of God." (Ec.3:12-13)
We are to be grateful for the life -- the normal, everyday life -- we have been given. [There now, I'm "only" 40 years old and have discovered the wisdom of Solomon. Tee hee! (Oops, Solomon would never say "tee hee". There's probably some Proverb about the folly of tee-heeing.)]

Part of living a life of celebrating normal is not worrying. Again, this is Biblical. God tells us over and over again not to be anxious. Some famous examples:

• I Peter 5:7, Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
• Philippians 4:6, Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 
• Matthew 6: 25-27, Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Easier said than done? You bet! Worrying has always been part of my normal. But I am working hard to throw off my anxiety and make trust an important part of my normal.

Anxiety is a funny thing. We hoard up worries the way we hoard money and (in my case) canned goods. In some eras and cultures, people live hand-to-mouth and rely on each growing season to make it another year. I'm grateful not to live in a culture like that, yet I realize we've lost their perspective  -- our eyes no longer look to God to provide. We've lost our ability to trust Him for daily needs and instead borrow trouble ahead of schedule, focusing on the adequacies and inadequacies of our insurance policies and savings accounts. We have so much less to worry about but worry about so much more! Instead of our eyes looking to God for daily bread, our eyes look to Fox News for new and interesting anxieties beyond our daily bread: kidnappings, random violence, obscure medical anomalies, aberrant weather patterns, alleged alien abductions. Suddenly, we're a mess, worrying about our health and safety. How can we possibly feel safe?

The answer is simple and yet one of the hardest things you'll ever do. We can do exactly what people in hand-to-mouth situations do: trust in the Lord with all your heart. Why does God tell us again and again in the Bible not to worry? Because, if you believe in Him, nothing bad will happen? No, the world is fallen; bad does and will happen. Trust in the Lord because He will give you the grace to cope with this fallen world, no matter what happens. Do not worry about what the future holds -- that's borrowing trouble. You don't know what lies there, and worrying about it will not do any good. You can only know that God, in His loving care, will hold you in the palm of His hand and will give you the perfect amount of grace in every situation.

I am proof of this.

At tomorrow's mammogram, I might be flooded by bad memories of my last experience with cancer diagnostics. But I will also remember that God gave me sufficient grace to get through my cancer ordeal, and He will give me the grace to face whatever lies ahead.  This is something to celebrate. My daily prayer will be for grace and for the faith to put my trust completely in God, whether my day will be a beautiful normal or will hold something unexpected.