'Twas the Day Before Surgery...

Another emotional roller-coaster of a week! But things are falling into place, and I feel more at peace today. Many thanks to those of you who have been praying for us. My mother made it here safely from Wisconsin, and Husband made it home from a quick trip to Florida. The house is clean (relatively), and I enjoyed (relatively) one last jog today before the convalescence begins. I've even packed my bag for the hospital, including those detestable drain pouches.

Specific prayer requests:
1. Clean margins: that the surgeon manages to remove all the pre-cancerous cells (DCIS) so that I will not need radiation
2. A peaceful nights' sleep
3. That all goes smoothly for my mom, who will be holding down the fort while Husband takes me to the hospital, and for my kids, who will have a "normal" day of school. (Again, great thanks for Carolyn for doing all the kid-related transportation tomorrow AND having Sally over for a playdate AND providing a meal. We are blessed!)
4. That Husband and I have calm hearts tomorrow on the early morning drive to Holy Redeemer Hospital and during the pre-op routine; and a calm heart for Husband during the surgery

I was reminded again on my jog how often God tells us in the Bible not to worry. It isn't said disparagingly, as if to blow off our fears and anxieties as ridiculous or unfounded. Rather, He reminds us again and again to trust completely in Him. Right now, He is providing sufficient grace for right now. Tomorrow, He will provide sufficient grace for tomorrow. I rest in that promise.

Today's Gratitudes

1. Friends who cry for and with me.
2. Husband cleaning with the kids even though he is tired and needs to pack for a business trip.

Today's Gratitudes

1. Rolo candy
2. Fruit slice-shaped gumdrops

Husband, Huckle, and Sally gave me candy for my birthday, since the camera I got for Christmas costed two gift-giving holidays' worth of money.

Normally, I'd feel guilty about eating candy for breakfast, especially two days in a row. Double especially when breakfast is followed by a big slice of leftover birthday cake this morning (breakfast dessert, naturally!).

However, it's not like it's going to give me cancer or something.

But seriously, as someone who has always been health conscious (I even consider getting a cavity to be a horrible health crisis), it has been hard to continue to care about a healthy diet and exercise. It sometimes feels as if it didn't do me any good.

I know that's not logical, but it's my own little rebellion.

The Big 4-0

Today is my 40th birthday. Under most circumstances, this would be a big deal, a time to somberly reflect on my "youth" coming to an end and my smile and frown wrinkles becoming permanent facial fixtures.

HOWEVER...
1. There's nothing like cancer to make you grateful to be alive. Perhaps I'm not as grateful as I should be: I still struggle with feeling that my diagnosis is somehow unfair, as if I don't deserve it or something irrational like that. We Americans feel entitled to long, satisfactory lives! But then I take a step back and realize that I am blessed that my cancer was discovered early and that I have a good chance of leading a normal, healthy life after this ordeal.
2. Getting cancer at age 39 is a sure way to be told again and again how young you are! Doctors, nurses, friends, acquaintances, cancer survivors -- so many sigh and say, "But you are so young!"   :)

But, really, cancer and its treatment feels like a crash course in aging. I mourn that my body is going to be losing parts and losing strength. I mourn that medications will put me prematurely into menopause. In my weakest moments, I feel as if a decade has been ripped from the middle of my life.
But, in my very weakest moments, I remember to meditate on Psalm 46 and again reach peace and a heaven-centered perspective.

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.
 ⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Wig Party!?

Thanks to Jane, Carolyn, and Donna for wig shopping with me today and kicking-off my 40th birthday celebration with a special lunch treat.

It's a little surreal to shop for wigs on the day before your birthday (or any day, for that matter). It was a like Girls' Day Out with a macabre twist. It reminded me of little girls who have birthday parties at a hair salon: my party had a wig theme. But I'm so grateful that these 3 friends accompanied me and were encouraging and decisive and FUN! This was especially wonderful after all the pre-operative appointments I had earlier this week, in which the surgeons described rare complications, common side effects, recovery time, pain meds, hospital procedures, and other not-so-fun topics (I now own a set of drain pouches!! Ugh, gross). It's been tough emotionally. So I needed a laugh.

In case you need a laugh, here's a photo of us with me sporting flowing blonde tresses glued to a pink baseball cap.

One week until my surgery.

Grateful

I am very grateful for Carolyn, Helen, and Jane: 3 wonderful friends who volunteered to coordinate care for our family during my upcoming treatment. They will be putting everyone who offers help (childcare, rides, meals, clean up) on a schedule.

I am also so grateful for my mother who will be staying with us for almost the entire month of March. She is a breast cancer survivor and is good at mothering and grandmothering us.

We are so blessed by our families, churches, school, and community!

Upcoming Treatments

Surgery: Mastectomy (unilateral) scheduled for March 3

Chemotherapy: Still choosing between two standard regimens; starting date not determined but most likely late March through early June

Radiation: Unknown; need will be determined based on surgery results